It’s impossible to run out of quotes from Ted Lasso. That’s a fact, and you know it. That’s a fact, too. We are all aware.
Of course, every character has their own famous remarks, but let’s be honest: the majority of the true zingers come from Ted. Here are some of the finest lines from each season of Ted Lasso, which is saying a lot since the guy is essentially a living anthology of puns, rhymes, dad jokes, and serious counsel.
- “I’ve had more psychotic episodes than Twin Peaks.”
- “It’s not like we can handcuff him to his locker and make him love us.”
- “When I talk it sounds like Dr. Phil hasn’t gone through puberty yet.”
- “Thank you and fuck you.”
- “One more person says something that me and Beard don’t understand, I’m gonna have one of my son’s classic temper tantrums.
- “Look at it out there. It looks like a Renaissance painting portraying masculine melancholy.”
- “This woman is strong, confident, and powerful. Boss, I tell you, I’d hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn’t be able take my eyes off of it, either.”
- “I’ve never been embarrassed about having streaks in my drawers. You know, it’s all part of growing up.”
- “I do love a locker room. It smells like potential.”
- “I believe in Communism. Rom-communism, that is. If Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan can go through some heartfelt struggles and still end up happy, then so can we.”
- “Taking on a challenge is a lot like riding a horse, isn’t it? If you’re comfortable while you’re doing it, you’re probably doing it wrong.”
- “I always figured that tea was just gonna taste like hot brown water. And you know what? I was right. Yeah, it’s horrible. No, thank you.”
- “Be honest with me. It’s a prank, right? The tea? Like when us tourist folks aren’t around, y’all know it tastes like garbage? You don’t love it. It’s pigeon sweat.”
- “Tea is horrible. Absolute garbage water. I don’t know why y’all do that.”
- On whether or not he believes in ghosts: “I do. But more importantly, I think they need to believe in themselves. You know?”
- “If you would have told me that I’d be drinking tea at 3 o’clock every day, about a year ago… I would have punched you in the mouth.”
- “If that’s a joke, I love it. If not, can’t wait to unpack that with you later.”
- On famous soccer players: “You got Ronaldo and the fellow who bends it like himself.”
- “Back where I’m from, you try to end a game in a tie; well, that might as well be the first sign of the apocalypse.”
- On Rebecca: “She’s got some fences, alright, but you just gotta hop over ’em.”
- “I’m not sure what y’all’s smallest unit of measurement is here, but that’s about how much headway I made.”
- “If the internet has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes it’s easier to speak our minds anonymously.”
- “You know what the happiest animal on Earth is? It’s a goldfish. Y’know why? It’s got a 10-second memory. Be a goldfish.”
- “We’re gonna call this drill ‘The Exorcist’ ’cause it’s all about controlling possession.”
- “I come bearing sweet treats to numb the sting of defeat.”
- Explaining the offside rule in soccer: “I’m gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did back in 1964 when they defined pornography. It ain’t easy to explain, but you know it when you see it.”
- On Rebecca attending team branding meetings: “I always feel so bad for the cows, but you gotta do it; otherwise, they get lost. That was a branding joke. If we were in Kansas right now, I’d just be sitting here waiting for you to finish laughing.”
- “I think I literally have a better understanding of who killed Kennedy than what is offside… It was the mob.”
- “For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It’s about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field.”
- “Jamie, I think that you might be so sure that you’re one in a million, that sometimes you forget that out there, you’re just 1 of 11. And if you just figure out someway to turn that ‘me’ into ‘us’…the sky’s the limit for you.”
- “If I didn’t have any confidence, I never would’ve worn pajamas to my prom and ended up in jail the rest of that night.”
- “I feel like we fell out of a lucky tree, hit every branch on the way down, ended up in a pool full of cash and Sour Patch Kids.”
- “You two knuckleheads have split our locker room in half. And when it comes to locker rooms, I like ’em just like my mother’s bathing suits. I only wanna see ’em in one piece, you hear?”
- “Coach Beard’s views on romantic relationships are not too dissimilar from his views on cooking steak. You know, you spend any more than five minutes on one — it loses its flavor.”
- On the Diamond Dogs: “It’s just a group of people who care, Roy. Not unlike folks at a hip-hop concert whose hands are not in the air.”
- “You know how they say that ‘youth is wasted on the young’? Well, I say don’t let the wisdom of age be wasted on you. I just came up with that. I feel pretty good about it.”
- “What I can tell you is that with the exception of the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much lasts forever.”
- “Here’s an idea that’s gonna help a little or hurt a whole lot. Who needs a drink?”
- “I gotta say, man, sometimes you remind me of my grandma with the channel hopper. You just push all the wrong buttons.”
- On scones: “It’s like a muffin, except it sucks all the spit out of your mouth.”
- On gambling: “Well, as my doctor told me when I got addicted to fettuccine Alfredo, that’s a little rich for my blood.”
- “Sounds to me like someone’s trapped inside life’s most complicated shape: a love triangle. Second place of course is the ‘I just walked in on my mother-in-law changing into her swimsuit’ dodecahedron.”
- “I think one of the neatest things about being a coach is the connection you get to make with your players. That’s a loss that hits me a lot harder and is gonna stay with me a lot longer than anything that happens while playing a game on a patch of grass.”
- “You beating yourself up is like Woody Allen playing the clarinet. I don’t wanna hear it. All right?”
- “Divorce is hard. It doesn’t matter if you’re the one leaving or if…you’re the one who got left. It makes folks do crazy things.”
- “Guys have underestimated me my entire life. And for years, I never understood why. It used to really bother me. But then one day, I was driving my little boy to school, and I saw this quote by Walt Whitman, and it was painted on the wall there. It said, ‘Be curious, not judgmental.’ I like that.”
- “Our goal is to go out like Willie Nelson, on a high.”
- “If y’all were really introverts, you would’ve been quiet as a church mouse. Unless that church was Westboro Baptist. Those turkeys won’t shut up.”
- “I think that if you care about someone and you got a little love in your heart, there ain’t nothing you can’t get through together.”
- On Jamie: “That’s a special young man right there. Got talent for days, works hard, and he’s got a jawline like the White Cliffs of Dover. I’m always rootin’ for him.”
- “If God wanted games to end in a tie, She wouldn’t have invented numbers, all right?”
- “Look, we are not playing for a tie. Ain’t nobody here gonna kiss their sister…which is an American phrase that I’m now realizing does not exist here, and that’s good, ’cause it’s creepy, and I hate it myself; I don’t know why I said it.”
- “Ice cream’s the best. It’s kinda like seeing Billy Joel live. Never disappoints.”
- “The idea behind every trick play is to have chaos rain down upon your opponents and stun them. Much like the lava did to those poor folks in Pompeii.”
- “So I’ve been hearing this phrase y’all got over here that I ain’t too crazy about. ‘It’s the hope that kills you.’ Y’all know that? I disagree, you know? I think it’s the lack of hope that comes and gets you. See, I believe in hope. I believe in belief.”
- “All right, fellas, you gotta remember, your body is like day-old rice. If it ain’t warmed up properly, something real bad could happen.”
- “We all know speed is important. But being able to stop and change directions quickly? Well, that’s like Kanye’s 808s & Heartbreak. It don’t get nearly enough credit.”
- “This is a sad moment right here. For all of us. And there ain’t nothing I can say, standing in front of you right now, that can take that away. But please do me this favor, will you? Lift your heads up and look around this locker room. Yeah? Look at everybody else in here. And I want you to be grateful that you’re going through this sad moment with all these other folks. Because I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad, and that is being alone and being sad. Ain’t nobody in this room alone. Let’s be sad now. Let’s be sad together. And then we can be a gosh-darn goldfish. Onward. Forward.”
- “Hey, you two are like Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner, you know? Or, uh, Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow. Or Frank and… Actually, you know what? I’m starting to realize that Ol’ Blue Eyes might’ve skewed mercurial.”
- “There’s two buttons I never like to hit, alright? And that’s ‘panic’ and ‘snooze.'”
- “There’s a bunch of crazy stuff on Twitter. Heck, someone made an account for my mustache.”
- “I shouldn’t bring an umbrella to a brainstorm.”
- On Roy’s excessive swearing: “It’s kinda like all the nipples in that movie Showgirls. Halfway through, you don’t even notice. You just kinda get sucked into the narrative.”
- “It’s funny to think about the things in your life that can make you cry just knowing that they existed, can then become the same thing that make you cry knowing that they’re now gone.”
- “Like I always say, sometimes the best stew is the one you leave sitting on the stove overnight ’cause you fell asleep watching Citizen Kane after too many beers.”
- “Doing the right thing is never the wrong thing.”
- “I haven’t seen someone that disappointed to see me since I wore a red baseball cap to a Planned Parenthood fundraiser.”
- “You are more mysterious than David Blaine reading a Sue Grafton novel at Area 51.”
- And finally, “You say impossible, but all I hear is ‘I’m possible.'”
- “Boy, I love meeting people’s moms. It’s like reading an instruction manual as to why they’re nuts.”
- “I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth. Flat.”
- “You should do a TED Talk, ’cause right now you’re getting a whole heap of ‘Ted listen.'”
- “I’ve never met someone who doesn’t eat sugar. Only heard about ’em, and they all live in this godless place called Santa Monica.”
- On England’s healthcare system: “You’re telling me I could shatter every bone in my body, someone could just drop me off in front of any old hospital, dumped into a garbage can or something, and y’all patch me up, and I don’t have to pay jack squat? I tell you, I love this country.”
- On limbo: “Great party game, horrible relationship status.”
What are some of your favorite quotes from Ted Lasso? Leave a comment, I’d really appreciate it.
